Let Me In – A letter

Picture by Darren Boucher
https://www.flickr.com/people/paguma/

I wrote this last year after the end of a relationship. The author of the letter is an emotion that goes by many names – depression, anger, sadness. Basically, it’s the full spectrum of shit felt at the inception of any shitty circumstance, personified by an omniscient second-person narrator. 

At the time, anything helped just to get it out on paper and read it back to myself. But the idea was interesting and evolved into a sort of Devil’s Advocate type of tough love character. Like a sadistic, sagacious sibling of sorts.

Now, on with the letter.

M,

I want to make a pact with you.

You’re hurt right now. I get it.

You thought you could have everything in your control and thought you could get everything you wanted. Stability at home and a future with your girlfriend. Now you know that everything does NOT work out how you expected it to, even if you’re meticulous and careful.

Tough shit. But such is life.

The lesson’s there: Sometimes, you make the choice. Other times, someone else makes it for you.

I’ll give you credit, you didn’t pick smoking back up. At least not yet. But the first 24 hours are over. Yes, you’re sad. But you’re dealing with it. That’s a start. You’re not ignoring it, you’re not using another vice to stifle it, you’re not looking to call an old fling, at least not yet. Take it day by day.

Here’s the pact:

Let me in.

Don’t resist me. Just let me flow naturally through your life. Embrace me, and I promise you that the pain will be bearable. I promise not to overstay my welcome. I’ll go in your heart, rearrange a few things, fuck some shit up, highlight memories here or there, intensify a song here or there, make every place you’ve been together a detour, and put you on your ass. But once I leave, and rest assured I will, you will get up and come back as ambitious and passionate as you were.

I’m here to help you.
I’m here to remind you that you’re imperfect.
I’m here to remind you that you still have things to work on.
I’m here because you still have much to learn about this relationship, about yourself and her.
I am your teacher, and I only want to see you smarter.

Sure, some people can’t handle me. And sometimes I come off a bit extreme, and may cause way too much damage. I can’t help it, it’s in my nature to bring out the worst in people.

But how you see my stay, that’s up to you.

I can’t promise you that you’ll see her again, but if you do, I can promise you that you will be a different person.

Whether it’s a withered husk or a stronger, wiser being: that’s entirely up to you, if you let me help you.

So don’t resist me, just let me in.

And I’ll leave as soon as you realize what you needed to learn.

Maybe.

~S.O.F.

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