Detox – A love story

 

Detox – A Love Story

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Writers’ note: The following is a piece I wrote on addiction.

It’s something that I’ve lived with and experienced both second-hand, and more recently, first-hand. Bits and pieces come from my own experience as well as outside inspirations.  The style is somewhat different than previous posts, as I am going for a spoken word approach and performing this is meant to be done with an element of story-telling, which is difficult to transcribe on paper.

Addiction isn’t limited to hard drugs. It can be anything, even love.

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It always starts off the same.

A curiosity into the unknown. A little itch that you need to satisfy, just get a taste.

Try it once, and say you’ve done it. It’s a badge of honor, a claim that you overcame your fear and tried it.

And of course, your voice isn’t the only one speaking. With so much talk of YOLO and living-life-to-the-fullest type shit, you can’t be blamed for following hype shit…for taking some broad, self-entitling phrase to justify your own intricate actions.

No one cares if you try it once, just do it once, feel the rush, take this kush, smoke that dope, get that high, don’t be shy, the voices tell you.

And you say you’re free, I have the will, you tell yourself.

I can stop whenever, it’s just one time.

One time…

what’s the worst that can happen just this one time?

It always starts on the same.

Just one hit, and your mind is racing. Pacing back and forth, on levels never reached before, your heart’s a spinning door, and this ride won’t let you off, it just keeps you lifted, you feel gifted, envision life with new perspectives, details now seem so intrinsic, so beautiful and magical, every mundane object suddenly seems brand new. That tattoo now has eyes and wings, and your room is Paradise, with everything you need to achieve the bliss. Just what is this? What did I miss out on? How did I live before I tried you? Before I had you? Life is now more bearable, enjoyable, even. They say you don’t know what you have until it’s gone, well I say you don’t know what you don’t until you do.

Your world is now a canvas, I’ve never had so much control. It’s intoxicating, exacerbating, I don’t even know why so much debating, all I needed was to meet you. And now you’ve given me so much to look forward to. Fun times and happiness await, next stop, your dreams…

And then it stops.

It always starts off the same.

Hey, that was pretty fun. But ok, once is enough, you start to say.

So you live on, and go back to the funks and the lows. The daily grind that you never claimed as your own. On that temporary nine-to-five, a typical lifestyle doesn’t seem to vibe anymore. Who gives a fuck if you’re late this one time, you busted your ass for 3 years and now they want to reprimand? Kiss my ass, I deserve a break.

But you cool off for now and continue on. But what were pebbles once now seem colossal, the pet peeves grew fangs overnight.

They no longer just annoy you, they abhor you.  Copier’s jammed, coffee spilled, she didn’t say Hi (…high…), the system’s slow, traffic’s slow, this asshole’s turn signal, though!

The rent’s due Tuesday, I still have 5 days! No, I don’t have any spare change. The plates are filthy. I’m out of Milk again? Is that a new dent? This phone is so old, what the fuck am I doing with my life?! I just want to (…let go…)

Then the itch is back, only this time it says something else.

Hey, remember me? We had such a blast, didn’t we? Remember when we spray painted your shoes and walked on the ceiling of that hotel? Remember that night under the stars when we went to San Fran? Or on the way back when we talked of our dreams? Those were some good times. 

Well, call me sometime.

It always starts off the same.

The daily grind is now the daily screw. Screwed by your job, screwed by the system, (…high…)screwed by your landlord, screwed by the waiter (…free…) who messed up your Animal-style fries, screwed by the police (…let go…) for turning on a red light. It’s 7:50! The No Turn on Red starts at 8! ‘Your cups already full, and its bound to overflow’

 OK!

I just need this one time to get the stress out. And at this point, you just want it to stop. Stop the things from happening, just stop!

I knew you’d call.

It always starts on the same.

 Your life without her just seems so abysmal now. It’s like every passing day is just a another obstacle standing in your way from her. I don’t want to hang out with them, all they talk about is trite shit. They’re so vain and self-absorbed. Whatever, I don’t care about the supervisor position, it’s just another shit-stained step on the corporate ladder.

Everything is an excuse, nothing matters anymore expect her. And the moment you see her again. Until finally, the time in between just stops existing.

You wake up,

you get high,

and hang out,

get high,

you sleep 4 days later,

you don’t eat a thing,

get high,

you fix your room,

get some ink,

get high,

get some food, maybe,

get high,

do nothing,

get high!

And you know what? It feels un-fucking-believable. To spit at conventional wisdom in the face. You figured it out! How to be happy. You don’t need a job that gives you rules and sets a schedule for you. You don’t need to a boss to tell you what to do. You have your dreams, you have your art, you’re going to make it, with all this time you have now! You’re going to be like Kerouac and see the the world now! And if someone questions your logic and doesn’t want to get high with you, well fuck him, poor sap. He doesn’t know what he’s missing, such freedom I have now. Time and fun are all I have now. Fuck responsibilities, they’re overrated. People who don’t drugs are just scared they’ll get elated. And I can quit when I want.

I’m in control!

But you’re not.

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The escape is what had given birth to your infliction.

Your body’s now diminished but your mind still thinks it’s fiction.

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You’re fluent in denial, it’s become your native tongue.

Isolated from society because the drug and you are one.

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There is no start nor finish, time and space are now irrelevant

All that matters now is you, yourself, and all of it

You’re full of it, you can’t even admit to it

You blame the world for judging you because you claim they’re scared of it,

The way you live your life is now the standard way to live it?

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 The drugs have fucked your body

But your greed has sucked your soul

You sold your immortality

For the fountain of youth to hold

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 You longed for better times, when your innocence was whole

So you made your wish,

and took a hit

So the page would not unfold

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 And I don’t single out the hard ones, this applies to any drug:

Food, Booze, Love, Lust, they can all make us succumb.

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 ‘Cuz when you grow up in a house where your own idea of love,

is another broken jaw and dodging bottles from above,

and you see your dad’s entrails as he stabs himself to death,

because divorce was just too much, he rather take his own last breath

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 It’s no surprise that we get high just to escape what they call life,

everyday is like a paradox, we see a tunnel towards the light.

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 But then again, there are the others who just do it for the fun

No fucked up life required, they just wanna have some fun

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 Regardless of the reason,

of why you’re on this ride,

If you don’t take back the wheel of life,

It won’t be yours to drive.

Soul on Fire